


Unfamiliar

by kimoi



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-10
Updated: 2012-03-10
Packaged: 2017-11-01 17:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/359608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimoi/pseuds/kimoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Romcoms have finally taken their toll on Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfamiliar

**Author's Note:**

> this turned out a lot more depressing than i thought it would. :I enjoy!

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you have no idea how to deal with this.

  
For a long time you have suspected that you've had feelings for Gamzee Makara that aren't quite pale. And you don't know if 'flushed' or 'red' can quite describe them, either.

  
You want to blame it on your shitty romcoms, and you want to blame it on the even shittier human romcoms that you sometimes watch while Egbert streams them to you. You say you hate them, and you put up quite the fight whenever he wants to do so. But you still watch, and they still give you uncomfortable feelings in your blood-pusher that you hate but couldn't bear not having at the same time.

  
You especially hate when he makes you watch 'The Hot Chick'. Not because it's bad ((well, alright, it IS pretty bad. But it's pretty alright, too)) but because when April tells Jessica ((in Rob Schneider's horrendously unattractive body)) that she's more or less 'in love' with her best friend, you can't watch anymore. You quietly tell John you need to step away from your computer, and without waiting for his reply you do so.

  
You walk into the respiteblock that you've been staying in with Gamzee ((since his episode, you've been an upstanding moirail - figuring you're going to stay by his side no matter what to make sure he's okay. Tradition or laws be fucked)) and you sit down with him. He's been trying to stay clean and you know it's hard for him, so you put your hand on his back and tell him you're proud of him. He asks you in confusion, in a soft, desperate voice if you pity him. You want to tell him yes, that you pity him more than anything because that's what a moirail does - but you don't. That word has a new meaning to you now. So when he gets mad and he's suddenly pinning you to the floor, eyes burning with desperation, a deeply-seeded necessity to be told by his best friend, his moirail, that he's pitied, you can only let out a conflicted sob. He thinks he's hurting you so he lets you go, and wanders into the hygeineblock. He's sorry, but not as sorry as you are. You sit up, your face in your hands, trying to figure out how to tell Gamzee that you don't pity him, you love him.

  
You go back to your computer but you don't say anything to John, you instead sit and look up definitions of human words. Your search for 'what is love' results in a vastly infuriating smattering of some human song, and you listen to it anyway. When this 'Haddaway' loser starts crooning about how the person he 'loves' doesn't care and he just wants a sign to know how he should feel you lose your composure, breaking down into a mess of watery red tears.

  
You finally tell John you're back, but you don't watch the movie, instead opting to try and talk to John about these feelings. He says he didn't know trolls were capable of feeling love, and you feel a painful jab in your chest when you tell him they're not supposed to be.

  
John tells you he pities you but doesn't use those exact words, and it hurts - where you should feel an intense swell of good-feelings all you feel is nothingness. You tell him your other problem, wherein pity is negative. This he understands so much more and you are relieved, but still feel awful. Pity does't mean the some thing to you anymore and you hate it - you hate yourself for feeling so directionless. So ashamed. So human.

  
Pity to you now means pathetic, worthless, and terrible things - and you can't bring yourself to subject Gamzee to that because you know he isn't. You know he pities you and you can't help but feel inferior, the only mutant in existance to be thought of so loftily by a highblood - and hate it.

  
John tries to comfort you while you cry, weak and pathetic. He's trying his best and you want to hate him for it - but 'hate' is bad too, and when no one else is there for you John is, and you just can't hate someone so blindly optimistic and helpful. Someone that cares enough to listen to you whine and blubber like a wiggler about feelings you can't explain. In a way you love him too, but it's not the same.

  
He asks you to explain what you mean by 'love'. An angry blush rises to your cheeks, seen by no one. You tell him your blood-pusher - 'heart', he corrects you - feels heavy whenever you think of the stupid clown. Almost like you're sick, but you feel more sickened by the thought of being without him.

  
You explain the feeling of desperation that you feel when you're not by him, the worry you feel deep in your _heart_ when you don't know where he is or what he's doing. That he's somewhere without you there by him, that he needs your help and you can't give it to him. You continue to explain that even sometimes when he isn't at his best, and he's doing heartless things to you, like pinning you to the wall and yelling hurtful things it makes your heart ache more, because you know he doesn't mean them but they scar you all the same. You know he can't help it, that sometimes he can't control himself, and that makes the hurt worse - because you're doing something wrong, because you're not being a good moirail - because you can't make him understand what this feeling you have is and you don't know if you ever will.

  
John tries to understand what you're talking about, and you feel bad for subjecting him to this sort-of thing. You feel bad for trying to get something out of him that you don't have any right reaching for. But you figure just as much as you can't understand love he can't understand quadrants, and for a moment you sympathize. You do something you don't normally do, you apologize to John - your apology heartfelt and honest, apologizing for not understanding and trying to make him understand. He dismisses your apology instantly, saying something about how he's happy to listen and how he wishes he could help, but you know this is something that you'll have to figure out on your own. As much as it hurts, you have to do this.

  
You stand from your computer again, closing the husktop and walking dejectedly into the hygeineblock. You mumble a greeting to Gamzee and he doesn't respond, so you decide to be more direct. You approach him quietly, a dangerous act in and of itself, and you rest your head against his back, arms around his waist. He doesn't move or reply, which can be counted as a good thing. Your tears soak into his shirt and you're sure he can feel them, but if he does he doesn't mention them. You whisper 'I love you' and he just laughs, and you can't tell if he's still upset from before or if it's from the absurdity of your statement. He asks what you 'motherfuckin' mean by that noise, brother' and you don't respond, you just squeeze him tighter. And you cry more, because he doesn't understand - and never will.

  
He lets you do this and after a few minutes you let him go, apologizing again and slipping away, back into the respiteblock, opening your computer again. You tell John you want to watch the rest of the movie, and he asks if you're sure. You tell him that not watching it won't do anything or stop anything, so he sends you the link to the stream again and you resume. You're still crying but you're long past trying to stop yourself, watching as Jessica is reunited with Billy at the end of the movie in a sappy, overly affectionate affair. You thank John for the movie and don't say anything else about anything, sitting back in your chair. You tell him not to leave, though, and just sit in the silence, not knowing what to say.

  
A few minutes pass and he asks if you're alright, and you are far too upset to respond with something snarky or rude, so you sigh and are honest. You tell him no, that you don't know what to do, that you're unfamiliar with this feeling in your chest and you want it to go away. John sounds alarmed, telling you that the feeling is something that makes you - but he pauses, rethinking his words. You are not human. But there's times that you sometimes wish you were.

  
You try and pinpoint exactly what point in your life that shit got so wildly fucked up. You want to say it was when you became moirails with Gamzee but you know it was before then, maybe when you gave John's universe cancer, or maybe even before that. Maybe when you were born, when you were born a mutant, given the blood colour of that you tried so hard not to identify with. You feel like a human and you're not sure if you hate it anymore, but you know this sort-of inner anxiety can't be good for you. It makes you feel sick and you almost want to throw up but you don't, instead burying your face in your hands and openly sobbing into them. John does his best to be supportive, but you can tell he's just as lost as you are - awkward little laughs and 'it's okay, Karkat's' heard from your computer. You voice chat with him because your typing gets too angry, and John is someone you want to be honest with. Because you're so like him. Deep down, you want to be.

  
You tell John that you're going to try and talk to him again, and he wishes you luck. You can't find Gamzee anywhere in his hive so you go outside, spotting him sitting in the sand near the water. You approach and greet him delicately, and he is silent, watching the water. Sitting down next to him you watch the water too, and you're silent as well for a long time. He eventually speaks and you feel yourself tense, but you calm when you realize he's saying something about his lusus. It's sad and you put your hand on his knee, wishing you could say something that would make it better. He looks at you and he's crying, and you want to be strong for him. Your hand patiently re-arranges some of his wild hair, and you try to explain yourself again. You tell him hesitantly that you might be feeling red for him and it just sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth, so ingenuine and a true injustice to your feelings. He doesn't respond right away, but he doesn't appear angry. Your mind races, desperately trying to figure out, again, when this happened. You realize that being his moirail, his caretaker - has given you more in your life than you've ever had. You feel like you have a purpose in looking after him, not because of pity because of 'love', and it's something that confounds and upets you but you don't want to ignore it. He swallows and sighs, and seems to be smiling, telling you he's pinned you as a flushcrush for a long time. He's always felt more than pale for you but didn't want to say anything, because for some inexplicable fucking reason he feels like you're too good for him. This infuriates you and your empty hand balls into a fist, and you almost want to hit him. You explain as calmly as you can that you cannot imagine a single fucking reason why he would think this, and you let slip that being so close to him is all you have in this world. He's pinning you again and this time it's in a fierce hug, and you cling to him - afraid to let go, because this moment seems so important. You tell him again that you love him and even if he can't understand you do anyway, and you want to ask him to be your matesprit but you don't, because you don't want to saddle him with emotions and feelings that you can't grasp. In asking for his matespritship you're asking for something that he can't provide.

  
So you cling to him, forcing yourself to be content with the paleness you share until you're ready to try and convince him again of just how strongly you feel.

  
Your romcoms have fucked up your life, and you don't know if you can fix it. Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you're experiencing an emotion that you can't understand - and you hate yourself for it.


End file.
